Working 12 hours a day, six days a week has made me exhausted.  I am so tired, but I am surprisingly happier.  Being bored for eight hours is worse than being extremely busy and on my feet for 12.  I am excited for this opportunity, but I am so tired.  It sucks not being able to hang out with people.  I almost see them differently, like, man they're just going with the flow, moving along blindly.  Sure, I cannot see everything in my future, but I really feel like it is in my own hands and I am molding it.  I am saddened though because I know Will's dreams and hard work is at a stand still.  He's ok with it, though.  He says that whatever happens just happens, but I just wish I knew how to encourage him.  It's not so much how it might be ending, because it is ending (temporarily, or permanently) for the right reasons, but I know he has put so much work, so many hours, and made so many sacrifices for it.  No matter how he sees it, it's hard not to feel defeated.  Not by AJ wanting to go to school, but by the tour, the lack of people, the lack of merch sales, the lack of money, and the fact that no one else except the people in our little world really cares. Something so important to him is obsolete to the people he wants to listen.  It's just hard.  Now our main focus is saving for the venue, kids, and a house.  I will dearly miss being in the front row at all the shows singing all the words and watching them.  They always make me proud and it's hard to swallow that no one else was listening.  I am embracing all this change, for change is pretty refreshing, but with any type of change, good or bad, the grieving process still has to take it's course.

I am about to watch The Flood Memoirs live at Murray Hill Theatre. I am going to cry. Really, this is the worst feeling in the whole world. I hate being alone. I need a hug. 

Seeing the sunrise is so beautiful. The sky goes from black up to orange up to green up to dark blue, then light blue.  I don't understand how people think this world was a mistake after seeing beauty like that.  Maybe they're just all sleeping in.  It sucks seeing it alone though.  I hate being alone.  Time feels different when I am alone.  I can't really explain it.  I do know that I am becoming more independent and that lesson is so very important.  Every time Will comes back home, he'll find me a little more matured than I were when he left.  That's definitely a good thing.  I need all the maturity I can get.

I hate being vague on blogs and such because I know people read them and it just leaves them guessing, so I might as well say right out whatever it is I need to say, but I won't.  My Monday class is getting very hard.  We have to write down every detail we can remember.  I don't want to remember.  I just don't want to do it.  Vo said that it helped her to not bury her thoughts and feelings anymore and it gave her a release.  I want that release, so very badly. But, I don't want to remember.  It makes sense that in having something buried, I would have to dig it up, but I've been ok with it buried.  Actually, I really have not.  It's just festered and I need to release it before it turns me into an awful person.  I just need to pray really hard about it and be prayed for. It's hard to give God control of something that I feel I cannot trust anyone with.  Nonetheless, that's my goal.  To give Him control. 

So, I woke up sick today.

I called Steph to let him know that I won't be coming in to work.  He understood, but also has a talent for being too nice and hiding his feelings.  He'll be glad I stayed home when I do a great job tomorrow.

Will being gone is so much harder on me than I thought it would be. It's a very achy feeling that starts from the inside and works it's way outward. I didn't realize what a vital support system he is for me and I took that for granted.  I am thankful that God is bringing him back home though. I don't know what I would do if tour weren't temporary. I'll be ok, once I let myself believe it. 

My new job is great! It's the most stressful job I have ever had (yes, worse than Austin R. Nimocks & Associates), but I am rolling in the dough. 

I am ready for the venue to be open.  I have been trying to book a show for Hammertorch in March for a whole month now and no one will get back to me. Renaissance did, but they no longer do Tuesday shows.  It's just so frustrating.  I don't understand how venues aren't professional or don't seem interested in booking shows.  They act like I am bothering them or something, when in fact I am trying to provide them with some extra business.  I just need to stick out this next year, and hopefully I will be able to open it very soon.

Let's see, if I make $100.00 bucks every day for the next 6 months...that's $12,000.00.  If I get to assistant manager and make $800 bucks a week plus $100 bucks a day of commission, that's $26,400.00 in six more months. Minus bills of $1100.00/month (bills per year = $13,200) and that leaves me with $25,200 in savings in one year. Wow, when I put it that way, I can open my venue in like 2 years. Maybe even 1 and a half.  Alright, so my goal is to have $25,000.00 saved up by Christmas next year.  So, if I keep my life as simple as possible, and do not add on extra bills (besides maybe a gym membership), then I will have reached my goal by then. 

Not to mention, if I become a manager, I'll be making roughly $12,000.00 a month. $12, 000.00 a month??? That's $144,000.00 a year! So, if I become a manager and keep my bills at $13,200/year, I will have saved up $103,800.00.  That's enough to open the venue, build a wing to live in, and still have enough money saved up to make it through the first few months of business before I start making money off of it.  If I save like I am planning, then going from a $144,000 salary/year to whatever salary I'll have for the venue, I won't have a problem with the salary change because I would have continued to live as if I were making $24,000.00/year. 

Did I mention that the management program I am in only lasts 5-7 months?  The assistant manager who trained me has been there for 4 months.  And my manager has been with the company for 6 months.  So, after the next six months, I could be making $144,000/year.

This makes me very excited. 

Goal:

To open The Catalyst Venue by Summer 2009.

Just keep dreaming, and working, and praying.